Becoming Physically & Mentally Stronger

When I was a teenager one of my idols was Bruce Lee. I actually knew nothing about the guy other than the fact he could break wooden doors with his bare fists and defeat a large group of weapon bearing ninjas single handed. As a teenage kid this was more than enough to trigger a deep fascination that left me keen to emulate him in some way.

After much persuasion I managed to talk my parents into taking me to karate lessons…

I went in on the first day with a sense of excited anticipation…just think…soon I’ll be able to kick and punch just like Bruce Lee…ahh such useful enthusiasm takes me back…:-)

I was, however, grossly misguided…During the first lesson we didn’t do any fancy kicks and punches…in fact, we didn’t do any karate moves what so ever!

It pretty much consisted of us running round a gym hall, stretching vigorously in pairs and then, towards the end, some breathing and postural exercises.

I left slightly disappointed wondering why I hadn’t been magically converted into Bruce Lee within the space of one lesson. (Naive…I know!)

Thankfully I decide to stick at it and I soon began to realise how important the running, stretching and breathing and postural exercises were.

Because if it wasn’t for these fundamentals I wouldn’t have been able to learn all the fancy, kicking and punching that came later. These provided the solid base for which everything else was built on…They provided a sense of power and strength from the inside out that allowed me to move, act and behave in ways I wouldn’t normally have been capable of…

The most important of these, for me, were the breathing and postural exercises. Not only did they increase my sense of physical strength they made me feel emotionally stronger and more stable and in control.

When it comes to being socially confident the lessons learned from martial arts can be very useful.

Part of the Social Confidence Cycle is to learn ways that enable you to feel more confident, comfortable and strong, in the moment, when you are around people. One incredibly powerful way to do that is by changing the way you breathe and where you put your attention when you move, sit or stand.

Your Magical Centre of Gravity…

In martial arts your centre of gravity is called your Harrah. To locate this place three fingers below your naval and the spot just below the third finger is your centre of gravity. When you feel out of balance emotionally usually what happens is, you unconsciously put your attention high up in your body, often your head.

This then, in turn, creates a feeling of imbalance in your body and it’s much easier to be physically knocked over. However when you focus your attention on your centre of gravity, your Harrah, it’s virtually impossible to not feel physically strong which, in turn, makes you feel more mentally strong and balanced. One of the most important things you learn in martial arts when it comes to increasing your physical strength (without using weights) is to purposely focus your attention on your Harrah and breathe from your diaphragm as you do.

This is also true when it comes to Social Confidence. By focusing on your centre of gravity and breathing from your diaphragm when you are around people you can significantly increase how strong and powerful you feel. You will also come over as stronger and more powerful in the eyes of others. Repeat the following exercise daily to reap the benefits:

Exercise: Feeling Mentally & Physically Stronger.

1. Locate your centre of gravity by placing three fingers underneath your naval. Just below the third finger is your Harrah.
2. Now place your attention on this spot as you breathe. You may notice that your breathing starts to feel as if it’s happening lower down, in your stomach.
3. Now imagine a gold ball of light in the spot where your Harrah is. See it shining out and notice what feelings you feel from this spot as you continue to place your attention on it.
4. Place the palm of your hand about an inch away from your centre. The warmth of your hand will make it easier to establish what it feels like on this spot.
5. Now concentrate on your breathing. If you aren’t doing so already allow your stomach to expand naturally taking air in. Don’t force it…just allow it to expand when it feels the need to take in air. During this stage you will see your stomach expand out you may also feel your sides and lower back expanding.
6. Repeat for 5 minutes and notice the growing feeling of physical strength.
7. Once you have got used to it, try it our when you are walking, talking and then socialising with people. You’ll notice a huge improvement in how comfortable and strong you feel.

For more articles or to learn how to overcome Social Anxiety Disorder then check out the People’s coach Guide to Social Confidence.

All the best and have great New Year!

Steven Burns, The People’s Coach.

 

Breaching the Social Matrix.

Some of you will have undoubtedly seen the film ‘The Matrix’ starring Keanu  Reeves…

Some of you may even have understood it!

For those of you who haven’t seen the film the basic premise is that the earth and human beings have been taken over by machines who, in order to survive, have farmed the human race in one giant complex where they use their body heat to power their own existence.

As an extra layer to ensure their survival, the machines have plugged the humans into what they call ‘The Matrix’…A super sophisticated  computer simulation which contains a replica of 20th century civilization thus giving the human the illusion that they are living in the world when in actual fact they are being controlled and used as energy by the machines…

As fantastical a plot as this may be it’s a great analogy to use when talking about social anxiety, social confidence & social interaction in general…

To a certain extent we all live in a kind of ‘Social Matrix‘…In other words a kind of social construct containing beliefs and values that have been set by someone out with ourself and that we believe to be true and absolute.

Think about it…were you ever told from a young age any of the following:

“Don’t talk to strangers!”

“Wait until you’re properly introduced!”

“Don’t be pushy, all good things come to those who wait!”

“Better safe than sorry”

In her book ‘How to Work a Room’ Susan Roane calls these ‘Mother’s dire warnings’. Rules designed to get you to conform that may have served a useful purpose at some stage but now, in adulthood, need to be seriously revised.

Social norms and rules can have such a power over us if we let them. Obviously many of them are there to keep society in place and ensure working order but a lot of them just simply no longer apply…The world is changing at such a rate that we can no longer afford to hold on to out-dated belief systems and ways of viewing the world…

I once read somewhere that the illiterate of the future will not be those who cannot read or write but those who cannot learn and un-learn. As time goes on I’m finding myself buying into this notion more and more…

For me this is where the social matrix comes in. Most of us live our lives immensely restricted due to fear of what might happen if we break some invisible social norm. That somehow we will be ostracized from society because we do something that breaks the status quo.

In the 1960’s sociologist Harold Garfinkel conducted a series of interesting experiments on this phenomenon called ‘Breaching experiments’. He asked his students to go out into the world and do things that involved breaching the social norm. Things like going into a shop and haggling for the price of a pair of jeans or purposely dropping litter in front of people to see their reaction.

The interesting thing about the breaching experiments was that, the first time someone carried one out, they experienced intense feelings of fear and anxiety…Even though logically they knew they were safe, deep down something stirred inside that made them feel under threat…

Even more interestingly, after they had done 3 or 4 breaching experiments in a row this fear disappeared and was replaced by a strange feeling of liberation and freedom…

This strange feeling of liberation and freedom is what happens when you step through those social norms and rules…

When you have the deep realisation that these social rules that have held you back aren’t really rules…they aren’t fixed in stone, in fact some of them are actually the opposite of what works. They are only really guidelines from the past that may or may not be useful depending on who you are with and the situation you are in…

It’s a beautiful realisation to make…it’s like the world starts to open up, the layers of illusionary social fear start to peel back and your belief in what you thought was possible suddenly expands…

Of course just because you see them for what they are doesn’t mean you can’t still play the many games of society. You won’t get very far if you don’t. social guidelines are useful just remember that’s all they are…They don’t really stop you from doing the things you want to do…

So my challenge to you is this…for the rest of the week start conducting your own breaching experiments.  Don’t start with the scariest thing you can possibly think of, start off small and work your way up. It could be something simple like walking up and talking to stranger for five minutes or going into a Chinese restaurant and asking for pie, chips and beans…

You’ll find the number of times you do your breaching experiments to be the most important thing…Most people when they reach about 3 or 4 over a relatively short space of time they start to experience this sense of strange liberation and freedom that comes with breaching The Social Matrix.

For more information on how to let go of Social Anxiety Disorder check out ‘The People’s coach Guide to Social Confidence.

Until next time, enjoy and let me know your thoughts.

Steven Burns, The People’s Coach, NLP Trainer & Coach

 

That Special, Blissful Place where fear doesn’t exist.

I was reading a book on Somatics (a way of increasing flexibility, health and happiness by movements of the body) and I came across the term ‘sensory-motor amnesia’ (SMA for short).

SMA is the term used to describe the memory loss of how certain  muscle groups feel and how to control them…This happens naturally to everyone as we grow older and results in poor posture, bad backs, strange muscle pains and premature ageing…

Put in laymen’s terms, as we grow older, we forget how to use our muscles and body in the ways it was designed to…we get amnesia for the patterns of movement that are in built and start taking up bad habits that can cause us physical problems…

In my opinion this form of amnesia doesn’t just happen in the body it also happens in the mind…

When you were really young you were happy, free of anxiety and floated through life in a blissful state of being…It’s a human beings natural default setting to be in this state and it’s not until we grow up and start to make lots of negative assumptions and learnings about ourself and the world around us that we forget about this natural default state…

Human beings are incredible learning machines…it’s what has accelerated our evolution in comparison to other animals and allowed us to become the dominant force on the planet…

This ability to learn is obviously a tremendous gift but, unfortunately, it also comes at a price…Because we learn so well we learn lots of stuff that simply isn’t useful…we make gross generalisations, distort information and stop seeing things that are there in order to function effectively in the world…

This can lead to lots of mis-informed opinions that cloud our vision and make us forget about our natural state of anxiety free happiness we were born with…

Here’s the good thing though…what’s forgotten can always be remembered…in the same way that you can begin using your body and muscles in the ways you used to you can return to this natural default state of blissful happiness and anxiety free way of being…

A lot of people say that, in order to be relaxed, happy and anxiety free you have to work hard at building new neural pathways in your brain so that they supersede the old ones and then, finally, you get to feel happy.

Now i’m not a neurologist but, from experience, I’m convinced this isn’t the way it works…In my opinion you already have the neural networks to be happy. To feel relaxed around people, free of social anxiety and in the moment enjoying your on going experience. You may have to go through a process of re-connecting with this way of being but you are not starting from scratch…

It’s like the sci-fi film ‘Equilibrium’ starring Christian Bale. It’s set in the future at a time where those in a positions of power have decided that the root of all conflict, war and evil is ‘human emotion’…

So, in their wisdom, they decide to ban all emotion, making everyone inject themselves daily with emotional suppressant drugs…

The most poignant scene of the film occurs about 20 minutes in when Bale decides to stop taking his emotional suppressant drugs and, all of a sudden, he starts to experience his first true, raw emotion…

As he watches a beautiful sunset he starts to cry with tears of joy, overcome with joy at the natural beauty of what he is seeing…

Re-connecting with your natural default state of happiness is a bit like stopping taking the emotional suppressant drugs and fully remembering what it’s like when you are truly at your best…

It take a bit of practice and I’m not saying you’ll always stay in this place but the more you can go into it the happier, more relaxed and anxiety free you will be…

So…the million dollar question…how do you do it?

I’m going to be talking a lot about this in future posts but for now you can start to re-connect with this way of being by answering the following simple yet powerful question:

“Who are you when you are truly at your best?”

Fully explore this question as much as you can as it contains some of the most important information you have inside of you. You may have to go back to when you were very young, that’s okay, do anything you need to do to come up with as detailed a description as you possibly can. Also make sure to involve as many senses as you can. See, hear, feel, taste, touch and smell…

The answer to to this question is not nearly as important as where your mind has to go in order to answer it. By fully exploring it you will find yourself returning and re-connecting with your magical sense of happiness and ‘just being’ in the world…

To quote Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, it’s that we are powerful beyond measure”. This is a way to start re-connecting with that power…

Like I say, i’m going to come back to this in a future post but, for now, you’ll find this a great place to start…

Enjoy & let me know how you got on…

Steven Burns, The People’s Coach, NLP, Trainer, Coach & Therapist

P.S For more info on how to overcome social anxiety disorder check out The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence

Halloween Ball – Socialising in large groups

I wrote in a previous post that if you dig deep enough everyone will, at some level, demonstrate the capability of doing the very thing they say they can’t…With social anxiety this is usually letting go and being comfortable around people…

Maybe it’s only for a fleeting moment or they aren’t aware that it’s happening because they’re too wrapped up in their own problems but it will be there if you spend enough time exploring…

I also mentioned that a prime example of this is a fancy dress party. For some reason something magical can happen when people dress up that helps them let go and become more comfortable socialising.

It seems to open the part of peoples minds that was at the forefront when they were kids. A state of that has an absence of seriousness and an abundance of play and fun…

I noticed this again on Halloween night when I went to a 1920’s gangsters & flappers fancy dress party.

In  my opinion it was the toughest type of group to socialize with. A group of people who I didn’t know that well and who had already had numerous shared experiences with each other.

They had created a strong bond with each but I hadn’t yet so I was a little behind and had to work the room faster than normal…Here’s a quick synopsis of what I did, it worked really well and i’d recommend you give it a go the next time you are socializing in a large group:

 

Attitude & State of Mind

This was the most important part. As I study NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) I’ve become reasonably skilled at influencing my own emotional state. I’ll be posting more information about how to do this in the future. It takes a bit of practice but it’s not that difficult and it’s one of the most useful skills you can learn as your emotional state governs they way you perceive the world and how you behave in it

I spent a good half hour going through a mental process i’ve used for years that generates feelings of confidence and strength. I also used this time to loosen up my body and get rid of any muscle tension i’d built up over the day…

The Initial Meeting.

Everyone’s experience is unique but for me I usually take at least 2 conversations with different people before I’m fully warmed up and in the moment, sometimes longer…As those first couple of conversations aren’t usually particularly flowing I’ll pick people who i think i’d feel the safest to talk to. For reasons I can’t comprehend they seem to be older women. I don’t know why but I always find woman in their 40 + are usually very good conversationalists and great to talk to to ease myself into the night…

The Social Butterfly Method.

After the initial couple of conversations I started to do what I call the ‘Social butterfly method’ this is where you spend a small amount of time with lots of different people. This is a great technique and breaks the ice with most of the people in the room.

The great thing about using this approach is you don’t have to hold down much of a conversation because you don’t spend much time with each person or group before you exit. Just keep the conversation light, say hello, introduce yourself and ask how they are enjoying themselves. Spend about 30 seconds to a minute with them and then exit to the next. The good thing about it as well is you are exiting on your own terms instead of ‘hanging about’ struggling for conversation until they leave.

This is hugely powerful from a social psychology perspective. By being ‘the one who decides to leave’ you are putting yourself in a powerful position that raises your perceived social value in other peoples eyes.

Dipping back in.

Once I had spoken to several different people I started to dip back in and speak to the ones that interested me the most and those who I felt I would have the deepest connection with. Again, just to mix it up every now and again I would move on and start talking to someone else and repeat the process.

What on earth do you talk about?

Most people who experience social anxiety would benefit greatly from a boost in their social skills. a lot of the time the reason people feel anxious is because they don’t yet possess the conversational skills and social savvy to get the responses they want. They then jump to the conclusion that they are ‘not good enough’ as a person when the real problem is that they need to improve their social skills.

Nothing will make you more confident and relaxed than knowing that you possess the skills to hold down an interesting conversation with most types of people. I’ll be talking a bit a bout this in future posts.

For some free articles on this check out The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence website.

Keeping in Touch & building Relationships

I met some really interesting people that night and I’m sure when you adopt this approach in the future you will to. I got the names of four new potential friends for face book who I’ve started to keep in touch with. Maybe it’ll lead to something deeper maybe it won’t. A lot of people feel intimidated about asking for a person’s details. Don’t be…The more casual you make it the less of a deal it will be to them. a good approach to adopt is wait until a peak in the interaction and then casually mention it’d be good to keep in touch and if you could add them as friends on face book.

Shared Experiences

Okay so now I’ve made up a bit on the others with regards to shared experiences. They now know more about who I am and I’ve started to develop a bond with a lot them based on pleasant, shared experiences.

Where I’ll see the benefit from it is the next time I meet them…When they see me I won’t just be a face to them any more…In their minds there will be some experiences attached to that face…

It looks like that’s going to be next Tuesday at Cuban Salsa class so I’ll keep you posted.

So to finish, I recommend you give the ‘Social butterfly method’ a go. Join a club like salsa, book reading or something else that interests you…

When you first go you’ll be nervous, possibly even anxious but by adopting this approach you’ll start to loosen up and gain some valuable experience that will help you become more and more confident and skilled with people as time goes on…

All the best

Steven Burns, The People’s Coach, NLP Trainer, Coach & Therapist

To help you overcome social anxiety disorder check out The People’s Coach Guise to Social Confidence.

 

The Myth of Perfection & the Power of Flaws

Have you ever found yourself buying into the myth of perfection?

I have lots of times…the pursuit of excellence, the constant drive
towards improvement…the feeling that in some way you can always
do more…

A healthy drive of course but one that can also lead to buying into
an unhealthy illusion…The illusion of perfection…

The notion that in order to be ‘effective’ or ‘good enough’ in
the world you have to have the perfect performance time and time
again…

In the social world this is also common…

Everyone has faults but most of us, at some stage, buy into the belief
that if people see our faults then we will in some way be deemed
‘not good enough’ or just ‘not up to scratch’…

The strange thing is…most of the time the opposite is true…

More often than not if you appear too perfect to people then they
will struggle to relate to you and you will actually lose connection.

The image of perfection usually invites one of two responses from people.
One of worship or, what’s more common, one of jealousy…

Little in the way of real, deep, honest connection & trust…

Now by this I don’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort to iron
out the rough edges and work towards being the best you can be…

What I do mean is that it by presenting yourself as a normal human being,
faults included, you can actually relate better to people and connect
with them at a level that is both natural, honest and far longer lasting…

A few years ago I was on a public speaking course in London with roughly
another 100 people. After a brief training session we were put into
groups and asked to deliver a 3 minute presentation about ourselves…

The first person up was this tall, muscular, dark haired gentleman.
In a previous conversation he had told me that he was an avid fan of
the American motivational speaker Tony Robbins and that he had recently
attended one of his courses for the 9th time!

The more the conversation went on the more I was beginning to get
the impression that he modelled nearly every part of his appearance,
voice, lifestyle and even personality on Tony Robbins…

As he strode up to the stage he held his head up high, shoulders
back with a huge smile from ear to ear. He turned to face the audience,
punched his fist into the air and yelled in the most motivational voice
he could muster,

“Raise your hands in the air if you want to be happy?”

Not one single person out of a room of 20 put their hands up…
Not wanting to appear dispirited he continued his presentation in
incredibly dynamic and clinical fashion. By the end of it, even
though every word and gesture was perfect, he got very little response,
if any, from the audience…

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be someone else.
It does, however, often have a negative effect when it comes to
social interaction. No matter how hard this guy wanted to be
Tony Robbins he was never going to be as good as being Tony Robbins
as Tony Robbins is…

To conclude the story, the next person up was a shy looking, short,
rather shabbily presented gentlemen. He pre-ceded in telling one of
the most heartfelt, humorous and engaging stories I had heard for a
long time. He stumbled through it, made mistakes and his gestures were
all over the place but he connected with the audience at a deep level
and walked off the stage leaving them wanting more…

So my point is this…

While being able to present yourself in your best light is obviously
important, it’s far more important to speak about what
comes naturally from within and talk from your heart. Even if it means
letting them people some of your rough edges.

You may often have tried to strive for perfection in the past but now
it’s time to take advantage of the power of flaws…

All the Best

Steven Burns, The People’s Coach, NLP trainer, Coach, Hypnotherapist

P.S For more free Articles & Lessons on how to overcome social anxiety disorder become more socially
confident check out:

The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence

Connecting with People – The Shared Experience…

Since the end of my 9 and 1/2 year relationship I have done  and continue to do a lot of socializing and meeting new people…

It wasn’t like that at first though…

In the early days of being single I didn’t really have many friends who weren’t married or in long term relationships, I had few skills in meeting new people and forming relationships with them and I had lots of confidence issues that needed cleared up…

I’ve learned a lot in the last few years about the way people tick, the way I tick and how to overcome obstacles that hold most people back from forming deep, lasting & worthwhile relationships with people…

Out of everything one thing for me sticks out…

If you want to form a lasting relationship with someone one of the quickest things that’ll get you there is having a significant shared experience…

Significant shared experiences are what bring people together and deepen the sense of connection between them at an accelerated rate.

Significant shared experiences don’t have to be huge events, they can be small while still containing lots of meaning to those involved. It could be sharing a private joke together, playing a game, being involved in project or something larger like going on holiday together or working together to overcome a problem or challenge…

Shared experiences are what bond people together and create long lasting, worthwhile relationships…

Think about it on a more global perspective…During the second world war Britain experienced a sense of unity that it couldn’t come close to in this day and age. At that time nothing else mattered other that pulling together to get the country through what were really tough times. All major differences were forgotten and the only thing that mattered was working together towards a common goal. This hugely significant shared experience brought a nation together in a way it had rarely seen before.

While this is obviously an extreme example  and you don’t have to be faced with massive adversity to create a bond with people I think you get my point…

That is, the more significant shared experiences you have with someone the deeper the connection you will have with them…

So how do you put this to use when it comes to socialising and forming new, meaningful relationships with people…

Well, the next time you are in company with someone always be working towards having some kind of shared experience together…no matter how small it is. It can be something simple like sharing a joke with them, asking them to dance or mentioning something out of the ordinary that’s happening in your environment. Anything that briefly separates you from the rest of the world rapidly accelerates connection…

Also, any time you have a shared experience with someone, keep a note of it and bring it up subtly in conversation the next time you are with the person. This will strengthen the shared experience and open the door way for new ones…

So that’s the challenge I set for you for the next few days…Go out and see how many significant, shared experiences you can have with people, no matter how small…

I will of course be playing along myself…:-) Tomorrow night i’m off to a cuban salsa 1920’s gangster themed fancy dress ball…

I’m going with people who I don’t know that well and don’t really have any shared experiences with yet. What makes it even more challenging is that most of them have had lots of significant, shared experiences with each other and have already created a strong bond…So I’ll be a bit behind at first but you’ve got to start you shared experiences somewhere…:-)

I’ll let you know how it went in a later post…

All the Best & post a comment to let me know your thoughts.

Steven Burns, ‘The People’s Coach’, NLP Trainer, Therapist & Coach.

P.S For more information, free articles and products on how to overcome social anxiety check out The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence website.

Are You Attaching too much Meaning?

A friend of mine was single and had a huge problem. He wanted to meet someone but not only was he shy he was terrified of woman. He seen them as some alien species that he had absolutely no knowledge of and every time he tried to speak to them he crumbled…

To add to his troubles he knew he wanted to meet someone and that this was a hugely important part of his life he had to get sorted…

You’d think this kind of desire would help him overcome his fears but it didn’t…it actually worked in reverse. Because it meant so much to him he piled pressure on top of pressure on top of pressure to get it sorted and it blew what was a relatively simple task (talking to women) totally out of all proportion…

Suddenly it was a big deal…A huge mountain to climb…

We all make things much more difficult for ourselves than it needs to be from time to time and it’s also a common theme with people who experience social anxiety…

By attaching too much meaning to something (especially negative stuff) it can often make things way harder than what they need to be…

We start buying into the whole…

If I don’t succeed here then that means i’m in some way useless…not good enough…unworthy…

This is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and simply isn’t true…It only means that if you decide that it does.

Interestingly enough one of the teachings in Buddhism is to reach a place where you have stripped everything of meaning...This is actually what they describe as the beautiful state ‘Nirvana’. When all your attachments have been let go and you see the world around you stripped of all meaning…

I experienced this myself in some capacity a few years ago when my 9 and 1/2 year relationship ended…All of a sudden one of the largest attachments in my world disappeared and there was this strange void.

Part of me felt terrified but another part felt a weird and wonderful sense of liberation, calm and peace…

I didn’t understand why but I know realise i was experiencing the liberation that comes with have little or no attachments.

As Human beings, we  are meaning making machines but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to ‘act as if’ something has little or no meaning or that we have no attachments. We do have the ability to tap into that wonderful state of nirvana where we have nothing to gain or nothing to lose…things just are what they are…

This is a hugely useful skill to learn and can really help you overcome social anxiety.

Reflect on it for a moment…

What would it be like if you were to let go all of the negative meaning you had attached to how you interact with people?

What would it be like?

The more you think and reflect on this the more you will realize that you would be completely in the moment, responding to what’s going on and just letting it happen…

Now what would it be like if you let go of all the negative associations you had attached to your relationship with people only keeping in tact all the positive learnings you gained from your experiences…

Imagine what that would be like…

You’d be much more comfortable and competent wouldn’t you?

For me it’s about going to a place where you realize both intellectually and emotionally that you actually have nothing to lose…That you are free to just be in the world… You don’t have to live in that place all the time and, to be honest, it probably wouldn’t be useful to do so.

Just having the ability to do adopt this type of mindset is useful enough.

So here’s a game for you to play for the next week…

Take on board the idea that there is no fixed meaning to anything only the meaning that we give it and begin to live your life for the next week through this filter…If you’ve had a lots of negative associations in the past then you’ll find this a wonderfully blissful place to live and you’ll feel remarkable more comfortable around people…

This might take a bit of practice, especially if you are not used to using your imagination, but the more you practice the better it becomes. Think of it more as an exploration rather than and exercise…

Just remember…all problems are problems of the imagination…and all solutions are solutions of the imagination…

All the best and let me know how you get on…

Steven Burns, ‘The People’s Coach, NLP Trainer, Coach & Therapist.

If you are serious about Overcoming Social Anxiety and becoming supremely confident & comfortable just being who you are, then check out The Peoples Coach Guide to Social Confidence

Role Playing & Social Anxiety

I was working with a client recently who told me that he ‘suffered badly from Social Anxiety’ and had done for most of their life. We spent some time exploring his personal history and some of the experiences he had been going through.

When I work with a client I always operate from the belief that they actually already have all the resources necessary to solve their problem and it’s really just a question of coaching that out of them and then helping them recognise it without the need for years of continual coaching or therapy.

If you experience social anxiety, no matter how severe it appears at first, there will always have been a time when you didn’t do your problem. Chances are there will also be times in your life right now where you demonstrate everything you need to not have your problem. It may be only fleeting but if you think hard and long enough you’ll find it.

Well it’s in these times and places where your solution lies.

It’s in these times and places that you demonstrate the resources, feelings, thought patterns and belief systems to feel comfortable and confident around people…

Of course if you are experiencing lots of social anxiety then clearly you are not recognising and accessing these resources enough and in the times you want to…The good thing is though, you’re starting from a much stronger position than you maybe first realised.

So when I was delving through my clients personal history I asked him three questions that helped him start to recognise these resources that seemed so elusive to him…

Three questions that i’d thoroughly recommend you ask yourself…The three questions are:

“When is this not a problem for you?”

“What age were you when this wasn’t a problem?”

“What was it like in those times and places?”

By asking yourself these questions you force yourself to examine the ways of being in the world that have always been there only you haven’t been aware of them because you’ve been so wrapped up in the negative stuff…

We explored these questions and other variations until my client began to get a sense of what it was like to not have his problem…

Amongst others one of the answers he gave me was that he never felt anxious when he was at a fancy dress party. When he stepped into the ‘role’ he was playing by putting on his costume all the anxious feelings he had about being around people completely disappeared. He felt completely relaxed and in the moment and thoroughly enjoyed the night and the company of the other guests.

Some people are concerned about playing a role, thinking that they are somehow violating the often cited golden rule that you should just ‘be yourself’.

In my opinion this is nonsense…if you are constantly trying to be someone you clearly are not, putting on social face after social social face because you feel you aren’t good enough then that’s a problem…

However, if you are playing a role to access resources, feelings and parts of you that are normally stifled by limiting beliefs and negative social programming, then this is a good thing…a very good thing.

Try this for example…Imagine you are at a party in a posh bar/restaurant…First of all play through in your mind what it would be like if you were a guest…notice what you see, hear and feel…

Now play through it a second time, only this time imagine you own the bar/restaurant…

How do you feel different? What new resources, beliefs, thinking are you operating from?

Also, how do you communicate with people differently? Are you more comfortable? more skilled?

Most people say they are…

That’s the power of role playing…you’re not doing it to try to be someone else, you’re doing it start accessing the powerful resources that are already inside of you…that ones that you haven’t been making use of until now…

So here’s my challenge for you, pick a new role for yourself this coming week. One that contains resources, feelings, thought patterns and beliefs systems you don’t normally operate from and play out this role for the week.

No-one needs to know you are doing it…see it as a game you are playing and you can go into it as much or as little as you feel is appropriate…

Here are some examples of  roles you can try out:

The Carer: Always interested and genuinely concerned for people’s welfare.

The Millionaire: High value, wealthy while at the same time humble about their achievements.

The Explorer: Has an insatiable sense of curiosity about everything. Loves to explore.

The Playful Child: Sees everything from a playful, fun perspective. Is enthusiastic and excitable.

The Stand-Up Comedian: Sees hilarity in everything. Laughs a lot.

All, the best and let me know how you get on…

Steven Burns, ‘The People’s Coach, NLP Trainer, Coach & Therapist.

For more information on how to overcome Social Anxiety check out The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence.

The Social Confidence Cycle

*If you haven’t read about the social anxiety cycle I recommend you read that post first before reading this. It will make a lot more sense.

So as you can see the Social Anxiety cycle isn’t pleasant and, in fact, is actually a lot of work!

On top of this it’s all based on the illusion that, because you don’t fit a certain criteria, (looks, personality etc) most of the time set by someone else in the school playground, you are of little or no value to the social world…

The whole thing is held together by a mistake…Maybe it had some relevance at some stage but now, in adult life its complete nonsense…When you really think about it, the fact that you don’t fit certain criteria set by other people does not negate the value and worth that you offer the world. It may temporally distract you from it but this value still remains firmly intact…

So what I’m proposing is that you flip this cycle around and do the complete opposite…Do The Social Confidence Cycle…

Interested?…read on…

Letting Go of the Illusion & seeing your true Self Worth…

You actually have an enormous amount of value and worth you aren’t giving yourself credit for…
As I said before no matter what happens your value and worth still remains intact. You may be temporarily distracted from it if you are caught off guard it’s not something you have to ‘build back up’.

That your value and worth to the world is not something that is constructed, built andmaintained, but rather something that is recognised more and built on as you progress through life…

With that resolved and out of the way it leaves you free to start embracing the following new patterns:

Pre-Enjoyment.

Rather than imagining things going horribly wrong start to deliberately imagine them going the way you would like to and you feeling comfortable, confident and sociable…

During the Social Interaction.

Learn strategies that enable you to feel feelings of confidence, comfort and certaintyin the moment when you are in a social situation. Once you have learned these you will start to see things for what they really are and more often than not start distorting them positively.

Post-Enjoyment & Learning.

Rather than looking back at the experience with a sense of dread start looking back and reflecting on the things that went well and wondering how you could make things even better in the future.

To Summarize…

So the keys to overcoming Social Anxiety are actually more straight forward than you think.

1. Fully recognise and boost your sense of self worth and value and let go of the illusion that your value to the world is in danger.
2. Start deliberately imagining yourself feeling confident and comfortable in future social scenarios and see them going just the way you want them to.
3. Learn new powerful ways to generate feelings of confidence in the moment when you are out socializing and peaking with people.
4. Start deliberately reflecting and enjoying in retrospect all the things that went well and imagine how you could do things better in the future.

Of course just knowing this logically is rarely enough. The People’s Coach Guide to Social Confidence is designed around ‘The Social Confidence Cycle’. It is a revolutionary approach to flipping round to this way of thinking, feeling and being in the social world that will help you overcome social anxiety disorder

All the Best

Steven Burns, ‘The People’s Coach’, NLP Trainer, Therapist & Coach.

Do you compare yourself to other people?

One of the most intriguing patterns that most people do at some stage is to look at someone else, (usually someone who they think is wonderful, good looking and successful) compare them to themselves and start listing all the reasons why they are better than them and how there is no point in even trying to be as good as them.

This is a commonly used strategy for a lot of people and it stops them from trying new things before they even begin.

I remember speaking to a friend of mine at a dinner party who has an interest in modern art.
After a fairly lengthy chat we naturally moved onto the subject of art and I asked her what her future plans were. She replied to me by telling me how de-motivated she was and that she just couldn’t seem to get herself into the right frame of mind to produce any artwork worthy of note.
When I asked her what was stopping her from feeling motivated her reply was fascinating. She said, “Well it all started when I went to an art exhibition the other day and almost every piece of work was incredible…nearly perfect in every way…and I thought to myself…there is no way I can ever be as good as this so what’s the point in even trying”

People do this in social situations regularly. They walk into a party and start picking out all the people they think are better looking, more interesting and more successful than them, compare them with themselves and feel bad about it.
Or probably just as common, they read magazines or watch movies and start comparing themselves to Brad Pittor Angelina Jolie and wonder why anyone would find them attractive because they don’t look anywhere near as good…

I mean…come on…they’re two of the best looking and most successful people on the planet! It’s hardly a fair comparison.

It also happens for people when they attempt to learn a new skill.

For some reason or another, a lot of people have the tendency to look at someone who does something really well, who demonstrates a high level of skill in something they are attempting to do, compare themselves to them, feel helpless and de-motivated and then consequently make no attempt to even start.
The reality of the situation, however, is that to hold on to this idea is completely and utterly ridiculous!

Adopting this kind of attitude is a little bit like deciding to learn how to play golf and then saying to yourself, ‘oh what’s the point, I’m not as good as Tiger woods so there’s no point in even starting!”
In fact, when you really think about it, because someone has managed to become exquisitely good at something actually means that you are more likely to become good at that skill.
Due to the fact that you can learn from them and find out what they did to become as skilled as they have, your chances of learning that skill become greatly increased.
Also, when it comes to looks and attraction, it is such a subjective experience that it’s not a fair comparison. Everyone has had the experience where they meet someone who they didn’t find attractive at first but then once they got to know them they started looking much more attractive.

Yes, some people are ‘classically’ better looking than others and will look initially more attractive if you were to look at them in a photograph but as soon as you introduce personality into the equation they start to look completely different to the eyes of those looking on.
Therefore, rather than comparing yourself to someone who is excellent at what they do or who you think is better looking, more attractive and more successful, compare yourself with yourself.
Now, at first glance, this may seem like a strange concept but it is an extremely effective and stress free way to live your life and learn a new skill. The key is to notice where you are at the moment then, as you start to practice your new skills and develop as a person, notice how much you are improving in comparison to how you were when you started.
One of my close friends summed it up perfectly while we were enjoying a round of golf together. Someone had asked him if he thought he was a better golfer than the rest of his friends and he replied, “I have absolutely no idea…all I know is that I am roughly twice as good a golfer as I was this time last year.”

By making this shift in attitude it enables you to focus your attention on your own personal development as apposed to trying to figure out whether or not you are better than someone else. There is also a high probability that you will begin to feel a wonderfully pleasurable sense of growth and progression as you develop through time.

It is, however, still important to have a model of excellence…

I’d like to point out that it is still useful to identify a model of excellence who already possesses the skills, attitudes and traits that you would like to develop. However, rather than comparing yourself to them, view them as proof that it is possible to reach that level and recognise that they are an invaluable resource that you can learn from in order to accelerate your own learning.

For more information on how to overcome social anxiety check out www.guidetosocialconfidence.com

All the Best

Steven Burns